How to Comfort a Grieving Person

Most people want to help when someone is grieving. The problem is that grief makes many of us uncomfortable. We panic, search for the “right” words, and often end up saying (or doing!) things that unintentionally make the grieving person feel more alone.

The truth is this: when someone is grieving, they don’t usually need advice. They need presence, patience, and permission to feel what they feel.

Even as a death doula I sometimes struggle to find the right things to say and do. Everyone is different and there is no perfect formula for comfort. For this blog article, I asked some bereaved clients and friends about what helps them and what doesn’t. If you want to support someone who has lost a loved one, here are some of the most helpful things you can do — and some common mistakes to avoid.

First, Understand This About Grief

Grief is not a straight line. It does not follow a neat timeline. It does not disappear after the funeral. And it does not always “look” sad. Some grieving people cry constantly. Others laugh, go numb, get angry, become exhausted, or suddenly take a vacation as far away from home as they can.

I’ve had clients that got to work right away cleaning out their home and throwing things away, and I’ve had clients that hang on to everything, unable to let go of even unsentimental items. I’ve had clients that talked about their deceased loved ones constantly, or not at all.

A friend and I were talking this morning about how grief visits you uninvited, whether you have time in your schedule for it or not, with the intensity of its choosing. Everyone expects grief to visit in the days and weeks following a death. No one really expects other intense waves of grief months or years later yet it will barge in without knocking.

There is no universal “correct” way to grieve.

What Actually Helps a Grieving Person

1. Show Up — Even If You Don’t Know What to Say

Many people avoid grieving friends because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence and absence often hurt far more than imperfect words.

A simple message like:

• “I’m so sorry.”
• “I’m thinking of you.”
• “I don’t have the right words, but I care about you.”

…can mean a great deal. The sincerity and simplicity of your words can mean more than old adages or folk wisdom. A hand squeeze or a hug can mean a lot. Showing up means something.

2. Listen More Than You Speak

Grieving people often need space to talk about the person they lost, repeat memories, express anger, or simply sit in silence. We often try to steer a conversation toward positive solutions or towards a happier future. No one likes to be manipulated away from their grief. When talking to bereaved people about their grief, every one of them said that they are so appreciative when someone asks them to talk about their loved one.

Knowing this, here are some things you can say the next time you have coffee with or run into someone you know that has lost a loved one:

• “Tell me about them.”
• “What has been the hardest part lately?”
• “I’m here to listen.”
• “You did so much travelling together. What was their favourite trip?”

Talking about a loved one who has died may bring some comfort!

3. Offer Specific Help

One of the most overwhelming parts of grief is that ordinary life keeps going. People still need groceries, childcare, rides, meals, paperwork, and laundry — even when they barely have the energy to get out of bed. Unfortunately, when we are trying to be helpful, we often inadvertently add yet another role to the grieving person: that of chief organizer. We offer to help, but then expect bereaved people to think of an activity AND organize it!

Instead of saying:

• “Let me know if you need anything.”

Try:

• “I’m bringing dinner Thursday. Does 6 PM work?”
• “What is on your grocery list this week? I’ll pick everything up for you.”
• “I can drive the kids this week.”
• “I’m free Saturday to help with errands.”
• I’m going to come over and do your laundry this week. Which day can I come?

Grieving people have told me that they feel resentment when offers to help are vague. Let’s all get very specific about the time, energy, resources and talents we can devote to supporting someone who is grieving. AND, if you can’t help, or don’t have time, don’t offer.

4. Keep Checking In After the First Few Weeks

Support often floods in immediately after a loss — then disappears. Grief doesn’t disappear after a funeral. In fact, it often intensifies once the shock fades and normal life resumes for everyone else.

Set reminders to check in with your grieving loved one or friend at regular intervals:

• One month later
• Three months later
• Holidays
• Birthdays
• Anniversaries of the loss

A simple:

• “Thinking about you today.”

…can remind someone they have not been forgotten. My best advice is to set reminders in the calendar on your cellphone, and then reach out with a warm message or phone call the minute that reminder pops up!

5. Let Them Feel What They Feel

Grief can involve sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, relief, confusion, fear, and exhaustion — sometimes all in the same day.

Do not pressure someone to “stay strong” or “look on the bright side.”

Healthy grief is not about avoiding painful emotions. It is about being allowed to experience them safely. If a grieving person tells you that they are feeling angry towards the person that died, don’t deflect or chastise. You may be the ONLY person with whom they can share their feelings.

What NOT to Say to a Grieving Person

Even well-meaning comments can unintentionally minimize pain. I think we’ve all said one of the following phrases at one point or another, not realizing that our words are not helpful. This list is not meant to cause shame. We are all doing the best we can. Maya Angelou said, “We all do what we know how to do, and when we know better, we do better.”

Here are some phrases that often hurt more than they help.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

This may be intended as comfort, but to someone in deep grief, it can feel dismissive or even cruel. Loss often feels senseless. Trying to force meaning too quickly can invalidate the person’s pain. And really, when we have suffered a loss, we don’t really care that there was a reason for it. We simply hurt.

“At least…”

Examples:

• “At least they lived a long life.”
• “At least they’re no longer suffering.”
• “At least you have other children.”

The phrase “at least” almost always minimizes grief. Even if something is technically true, it can make the grieving person feel pressured to focus on gratitude instead of pain.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

Even if you have experienced loss yourself, grief is deeply personal. Empathy is about imagining how something might feel for someone else, but there is no way for you to know exactly how someone feels.

Instead, try:

• “I can’t fully understand what this is like for you, but I’m here.”
• “I can’t imagine what this is like for you, but I’m here for you.”

This lets the grieving person know that you honour their unique experience.

“You need to stay strong.”

People in grief do not need pressure to perform strength. They are being strong already and they’re doing the best they can. They need permission to fall apart sometimes.

Some healthier messages are:

• “You don’t have to pretend with me.”
• “It’s OK if you don’t feel strong today. I’ve got your back.”

“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

Grief is a natural expression of love and attachment. Telling someone not to feel sad can unintentionally shame their emotions. Missing someone after death is normal. Deep sadness does not mean someone is grieving “wrong.”

I would caveat this with one thing: if you observe that someone has been deeply sad for a very long period of time and are still not able to find any interest in life, the grieving person may be suffering from “complicated” or “complex” grief. These forms of grief are not easy to overcome, and the person likely needs professional support.

Find more helpful tips at grief.com.

Avoid Turning the Conversation Back to Yourself

Sometimes people respond to grief by immediately sharing their own stories.

I know why people share their stories – they share because they want to connect. I am guilty of that myself, be careful not to dominate the conversation or shift attention away from the grieving person. People that have been diagnosed with Autism or ADHD, in particular, try to connect with others by demonstrating that they have had a similar experience and because of that, they have empathy. If you are bereaved and someone tells you a story about their own experience, they may have one of these diagnoses and perhaps some understanding is required.

For all of us trying to comfort the bereaved, the focus should remain on listening, not relating. As a death doula I have been known to politely shut someone down, or redirect the conversation if someone starts telling their own story. My clients have told me that sharing the story of someone who died in a similar manner to their loved one (or survived a similar experience) irritates them to no end.

What Grieving People Often Need Most

More than advice, grieving people usually need:

• Presence
• Patience
• Consistency
• Practical support
• Emotional safety
• Permission to grieve honestly

You do not need to fix their pain. You can’t actually do this. But you can help make sure they do not carry it alone.

Final Thoughts

One of the hardest truths about grief is that there are no perfect words.

In the blurry aftermath of a loss, people may not remember what you said or what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel. They remember whether you showed up, whether you listened, and whether you stayed present when things were uncomfortable. They will also remember if you cared to check on them in the weeks and months following their loss.

Compassion is not about having the perfect response. It is about being willing to remain beside someone in their pain without trying to erase it.

And often, a quiet presence is what helps the most. If you’re struggling with grief, I can help. Book your free 30-minute consultation here. A great resource is a website called “What’s Your Grief.”